i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
