My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
