I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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