This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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