I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
