I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
