i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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