I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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