so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
