If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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