Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
