I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
