i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
