Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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