We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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