My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Congratulations! We have a period
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