apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
