How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
