"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
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i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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