Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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