just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
