Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
