I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I smell like Dick and happiness
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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