It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
