This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
