Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
