we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
