I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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