John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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