Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
