last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
