The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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