Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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