There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
