i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
