Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
