this beer tastes like vomit already
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
