i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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