hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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