my phone needs a breathalizer
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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