Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
