I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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