there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
