If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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