so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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