Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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