Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
