apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
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Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
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I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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