I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
