Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sorry my hands just texted you
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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