Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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