Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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