My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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