You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
fuck your aforementioned shoe
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
