So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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