Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Randomize
