He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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