Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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