left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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